Internet Search

Doing an Internet search using the terms forgiveness, reconciliation, and revenge revealed some interesting things. First, I noticed that revenge mainly produced results linked to t.v. shows and movies. I thought that was kind of odd. I guess Hollywood enjoys using the idea of seeking revenge. It makes for interesting story lines and of course, drama! The second thing I noticed while doing the word searches was that both of the words reconciliation and forgiveness produced results connected to religion. All of the searches seemed equally weighty in the amount of results each of them pulls up. Reconciliation results included congress and senate types of reconciliation, which I thought was interesting. Something else I found interesting was that my search using the word forgiveness produced results connected to student loan forgiveness. The word search on revenge showed related topics such as how to get revenge on people and revenge tactics. 

Truth Bias

I thought chapter 10 had some interesting concepts. One that I thought was worth mentioning is truth bias. Truth bias  is a relationship rule. Basically, the rule is a pact that you and your best friend will always be truthful to one another. There may be things you would lie to an acquaintance about, but would always tell the truth to your bestie. I can relate to the idea of this concept because my best friend ALWAYS tells me the truth! Even when the truth is something she knows I don't want to hear. I trust that she always has the best intentions at heart. I have developed a truth bias with her. I always assume she is telling me the truth. I know she expects the same thing from me. The book explains that truth bias makes us more vulnerable and less likely to detect deception. This may be true, but I think as long as you are mindful of who you trust this shouldn't be a major concern. These kinds of relationships develop over time and through experiences with them. Over the course of this time you could decided whether or not you can truly trust that person and develop a truth bias toward them.

Forgiveness

There has been an event in my life where I've found it difficult to forgive. Unfortunately, the person I have had a hard time forgiving is my mother. There was an event when I was younger that my mother (in my opinion) chose to live her life separately from her children. After a divorce that devastated us all my mother decided to live a life that she never got to experience since she married and had children young. A single life. It has been many years, but I am still unable to forgive her and reconcile. Reading the advantages of forgiveness in chapter 10 has made me think of how my grandma is constantly trying to mend the disconnect between my mother and me. She always tells me that not forgiving my mother is only hurting myself inside. Maybe this is true. I do feel a little guilty not including my mother in my wedding planning or inviting her come dress shopping with me. I think reading this chapter, especially at this point in my life, has been helpful.

Social Networking

Okay, don't laugh but I am not on Facebook or any other social networking sites. I know, I am just about the only person not on Facebook. Even my grandma has an account, and she is on it fairly often! So anyway, I can say that I think most people on social networking sites put in a decent amount of time creating their facework. This is the way they establish and maintain the image of themselves they would like to reflect to others. I think the way you present yourself all depends on how you want others to perceive you. Basically, you have the ability to "create" yourself. You have the ability to pick and choose what people see/read about you. Since I don't have an account I can't say I have posted something that I later regretted, but I do know people who have. The thing to remember is once it has been put out there it can't be retracted. Hurtful things posted on social sites can be devastating to those that are targeted. It makes me think of the kids that get into fights over what was posted. Or kids committing suicide because someone was bullying them or posted something horrible about them. I think social networking can be a great tool, but I think it can also have great downfalls. Preventive facework could help when using these sites. Ultimately, I think you should always be mindful of what and how much information you post about yourself and others.

Playful Spirit

I thought the concept of developing a playful spirit to change your outlook on life and certain situations you are faced with is very interesting. I like this concept because it can be useful to help people change their attitudes. I think that having a positive attitude can make all of the difference. The textbook lists tips to help adopt this technique. The one that resonated with me the most was learning to say "no" without feeling guilty. This is something that I struggle with. I tend to be a people pleaser and have a hard time saying no and not feel guilty for it. One of the other tips is to learn to accept situational factors instead of fighting them. Although this may take some time to master,  I think it can be a helpful tool to manage your stress level and overall mood. Both of these tips I will try to incorporate into my life.

Anger

When I gave some thought to how I express my anger I've decided tend follow the characteristics of anger-ins. For the most part I don't  openly express my anger to the person that has upset me. Although, there are times when I feel so strongly about something that I deal with the situation as it is occurring. In those instances I would categorize my actions using anger control. More often than not I choose not to deal with the conflict directly. Not that I think this a healthy way of dealing with problems, but sometimes I just give it time to heal itself. One of the common features of an anger-in is that they may be passive-aggressive. I definitely do not see myself as passive-aggressive. I just sometimes feel like certain conflicts are not worth the fight. But if something is really important to me or I feel strongly toward it I will address the issue by using assertive communication behaviors. I would like work on my anger communication style and deal with conflict as an anger controller more often. 

Defensive and Supportive Behaviors

I would like to discuss the concepts of defensive and supportive behaviors. I think it is important to note both concepts and be able to differentiate between the two. These concepts have specific differences. Defensive behaviors incorporate superiority, control, and the use of strategies. On the other hand, supportive behavior uses equity, empathy, and is nonjudgmental. Defensive behavior can create an unbalanced power relationship. A person engaging in defensive behavior may try to control the other person they are in a relationship. They do this by being strategic in the way they speak to the other person or within their actions. This person may act this way due to their own insecurities. The playing field is more level in a relationship with someone who engages in supportive behaviors. This person has empathy for other people. A person who is empathetic means they are able to place themselves in another person’s place. Being in a relationship with someone who is supportive and will respect you is healthier than being in a relationship with someone who engages in defensive behaviors.

Distrust

When I was younger my mother and I shared an extremely close bond. She and I spent a lot of time together. I always felt comfortable with sharing my thoughts and feelings with her. She was like one of my best friends and I had all the trust in the world for her. As I was entering into high school she and my father split up. My siblings and I were in disbelief, none of us had seen that coming. Even after we moved out of our family's home I remained hopeful that they would reconcile. But all those hopes and prayers ended when my mom became more involved in her new life. She and I became distant which made me incredibly sad. Since, I have harbored resentment toward my mother. I had completely lost all trust in her. How could her high priority for her children decline? Still to this day I haven't been able to regain my trust in her, which has caused our relationship to remain stagnant. She makes efforts to reconnect with me, but I haven't been able to forgive and trust her again. 

Unbalanced Power

Being in a relationship that has unbalanced power is unhealthy. A relationship that has an unequal amount of power between people occurs when one person dominates while the other person/people are submissive. I would guess that most people given the choice would rather be the person in power and not the one being controlled. But I think being the one with all of the power can, at times, be just as stressful as being the submissive one. The book gives an example of a group with one dominate member that tried to call all of the shots. The other group members eventually stopped showing up to meetings because they didn't want to be subjected to her negative behavior and comments. As a result the dominate member had to do the work herself. Eventually she realized she couldn't complete everything on her own so she had to tone down her communication style. I don't like the feeling of being in relationships with power unbalances. Whether I am the one holding the power or the submissive one. I find personal, work, and school relationships to be more enjoyable if all parties involved are on a level playing field. Having all the power can feel good especially if the position was hard earned, like within a company. But I think that showing you can be a part of the group helps morale. In contrast, being powerless can feel pretty lonely and demeaning. It may cause resentment toward the power holder. 

Week 5; Post 3

I think that the concept of using personalized communication instead of depersonalized communication is important. Personalized communication requires the use of "I" statements. This is assertive communication behavior. Depersonalized communication uses "you" statements. Using this type of communication is considered responsibility avoidance. Instead of using broads term such as: you, others, many people, it is more direct to make an "I" statement. Speaking more directly can help to avoid miscommunication. It may be difficult to own our statements and be direct because it may feel like it will cause the other person to become defensive, but it can be beneficial. Of course we don't want to cause the other person to feel uncomfortable, but it also important to speak our feelings. We should not say things in a way that causes the other person to become defensive because that could cause them to tune us out. But we also don't want to hold our feelings in because that could cause resentful feelings toward the other person. The best thing to do is to be assertive and use "I" statements.

Week 5; Post 2

I think for the most part I am thinking about what the other person is saying when they are talking. I would say I do concentrate on what the other person is saying. However, if the subject is a heated topic or I feel defensive I think of how I am going to respond rather than on what they are saying. Being a good listener is an important skill to have for an effective communicator. Listening is step 3 of the S-TLC system. This step requires the individual to listen before saying anything. The book goes on to explain that listing to what the other person is saying is just as important as what we say in conflict. This is an essential step in the system. How can we really know how to respond to something if we don't know what exactly was said? I think after listening to someone talk to me I could write down most of what was being said. But I do think I could work on my listening skills during conflict.

Week 5; Post 1

I don't really have any issues with being able to stop a conflict. If anything I have a problem with facing conflict. Being more assertive especially when dealing with conflict is one of my goals to be being a more efficient communicator. For me it is not difficult to refrain from automatically responding during conflict. I can understand why it is important not to automatically respond without using the S-TLC system. Implementing the S-TLC system allows us to navigate through conflict in better ways. The first step, to stop, is essential to remaining calm and taking time out to maintain composure. This is an important step because once something has been said it can't be taken back. Sometimes when we are upset we can say hurtful things that we would never say if we had taken some time to cool off. I would advise a person not to skip this important step when they find themselves in a conflict. It is okay to walk away from a conflict to regain composure and return to the conflict after both parties are calm.

Week 4; Post 3

Communication majors would make fantastic mediators because one of the roles of a mediator is to be competent in communication. The mediator must refrain from having any judgement against or in favor of either of the conflicting parties. They must also be able to give constructive feedback when it it requested. The mediator must have the ability to only speak for themselves and not for the person or people they are mediating for. The mediators are also responsible for making sure that both parties involved abide by the communication rules. Lawyers and psychotherapists may find it difficult to play the role of mediator because they often have different goals in mind than just a mediator that doesn't have any stake in the dispute. A mediators job is to facilitate a healthy way to work through an issue, create a final agreement, and wish both parties the best of luck in the future. 

Week 4; Post 2

After reading chapter 11 and learning the different techniques that mediators use to assist people in resolving their conflicts I can see how it could become a career for some. I think many people could benefit from having someone mediate their disputes and implement the fractionation, framing, reframing, and common ground techniques. I had never given it much thought before but I was often the mediator in conflicts between two of my siblings. Since I am and a bit older than my other siblings I sometimes find myself having to interject and help the two of them through their conflicts. Since the two have different personalities and values they don't always see eye to eye on things. I try to help them by establishing a common ground and helping them reframe their language. I don't think it is intentional but sometimes they can say hurtful things about each other. I try my best to keep the peace between the two of them because it is important to me that we all have healthy relationships since we are family. I know that they will always have issues, but at least I can help them to resolve them quicker without the issues getting out of control.

Week 4; Post 1

The fractionation technique can help to solve conflict by breaking the problem down into smaller issues. As an example for the use of this technique I will use a hoarder that has someone come into their home in order to clear things out. The hoarder may be overwhelmed by the thought of getting rid of so many things all at once, but breaking it down by room or sections may make the task seem less stressful to them.  Another technique is framing in which the mediator uses neutral language in posing questions. I have used this technique when helping a co-worker with an issue she was having. I was very careful not to pass judgment on her or the person she was in a conflict with. Reframing is another technique where the mediator will rephrase negative comments in a more neutral language. This method could be helpful for a a person who works with children that are having a conflict and saying negative things to and about each other.  Lastly, there is the common ground technique. Establishing a common ground between the parties can be helpful to reaching a common agreement. This would be a good technique to use when mediating a conflict between neighbors. By establishing common goals and expectations the neighbors may begin to look at the conflict differently. 

Week 3, Post 3

One of the concepts that are discussed in chapter 3 that I found important in communication considerations is the difference between compromising and collaborating approaches. After reading the chapter it is easier to see why collaboration is the preferred approach. With the same goal in mind, collaboration leads to win-win situations. Compromising, on the other hand ends with neither person in the party completely winning or losing. As I have mentioned in previous blogs this week I am generally a nonassertive communicator. However, since getting engaged and planning the wedding my fiancé and I have been using the collaboration approach in making decisions about our venue and other details. The ultimate goal is for both us to be completely satisfied with outcome of our big day. I wouldn’t want him to feel like his thoughts and ideas about when and where we get married aren’t as important as mine. Luckily, he gives me the same respect in return.  

Week 3, Post 2

In my personal opinion I don't think it is ever okay to punish a child using verbal or nonverbal aggression. I think this is stepping over the boundaries of parental authority. I grew up in a household where I never feared that either of my parents would lash out a me with verbal or nonverbal aggression. I think that if they had it would have completely changed the dynamic of our relationships, and possibly who I am as a person. I wouldn't want my child to fear me. I would rather them feel like they could talk openly with me about their feelings and things that are going on in their lives. I believe that teaching children to deal with their thoughts and actions in non aggressive ways can help them deal with people and situations effectively. I do think that it is important to teach children to make good decisions and to act appropriately. I believe that all of this begins when the children are young. Maybe teaching them from a young age how to act appropriate allows for the behavior to be second nature instead of having to unlearn poor behavior when they are older. I am not a parent so I guess all of this is easy for me to say. I know that some kids are stubborn and may need to be disciplined, but not discipline that comes in the form of verbal or nonverbal aggression. When I think of appropriate disciplines I think time of outs or taking away something that they really like until their behavior changes. One thing I have learned from watching other people with their children is not to always give in and give them their way especially when they act out when they don't get what they want. I think this teaches them that if they act out then they will accomplish their goal and get what they want.  I think that we should teach our children by leading as good examples.

Week 3, Post 1

I thought that chapter 3 was interesting and insightful. While reading this chapter I gave a lot of thought to my own conflict style and whether or not I handle conflict in an effective manner. I would categorize myself as an other-centered nonassertive communicator when dealing with conflicts in my life. Having said that, if I am giving advise to a friend I would tell them that they should be honest and open about their ideas/opinions/feelings because theirs matters just as much as the other person's. Should I be taking my own advise, probably. For me that is easier said than done. I have a tendency to accommodate others before myself in order to avoid any conflict that could arise from our difference in opinions. About 90% of the time this is how I deal with conflicts in my life. Since this is how I've always been I think that people sort of expect me to function this way, so in a way yes I think there are expectations for my behavior.  For me this chapter has really been helpful because I don't like that I am nonassertive which sometimes causes me to sacrifice my own ideas/opinions/feelings. I would like to be more of a relationship-centered assertive communicator in the future. As I take more communication courses I think that I become a more effective communicator and grow as a person as well.

Introductory Post

Hi everyone! This is my second semester at SJSU as a communication studies major. I received my Associates Degree from West Valley Junior College in December 2010. I am looking forward to this semester and getting to know my classmates. I love to travel, find new restaurants to try, spend time with friends and my new fiancé. I am new at the online courses but I am hoping it is as dynamic as being in class with your instructor and classmates. Till next posting... :)