Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Forgiveness
There has been an event in my life where I've found it difficult to forgive. Unfortunately, the person I have had a hard time forgiving is my mother. There was an event when I was younger that my mother (in my opinion) chose to live her life separately from her children. After a divorce that devastated us all my mother decided to live a life that she never got to experience since she married and had children young. A single life. It has been many years, but I am still unable to forgive her and reconcile. Reading the advantages of forgiveness in chapter 10 has made me think of how my grandma is constantly trying to mend the disconnect between my mother and me. She always tells me that not forgiving my mother is only hurting myself inside. Maybe this is true. I do feel a little guilty not including my mother in my wedding planning or inviting her come dress shopping with me. I think reading this chapter, especially at this point in my life, has been helpful.
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The authors of our book write that “Relational transgressions are extremely problematic situations in which core rules of a relationship are violated, leaving high emotional residues.” Your post illustrates this. Although it’s been many years, you are “still unable to forgive her (your mom) and reconcile.” I think the authors would agree with what your grandma is trying to do—fix things between you and your mother. I know they would agree with your grandma that by not forgiving your mom, you’re hurting yourself. They have stated in our book that forgiveness is related to our psychological and physical health. They say that “the inability to forgive often involve anger and stress.” However, they do go on to say that it is very common for people to have a hard time forgiving despite the benefits it might bring them. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteYou being angry with your mother is totally justified, but my philosophy says life is very short. You never know what happens tomorrow; moreover with time the intensity of old wounds heal. If you feel that you should forgive her, then go ahead and do it, as it is better late than never. In close family relationships you don’t have to give a tit for tat as it ultimately comes to all of us anyways. I have a similar grudge with my uncle, I do not speak to him especially after my dad passed away, but now when I see him old and meak, I feel like forgiving him for all his wrong doings in my family.
ReplyDeleteI can totally understand why you are keeping your mother separated from your life. Having someone be distant is hard, but (not to be too forward or rude) maybe you should consider talking to her and telling her how you feel or maybe seeing a therapist. My sister's boyfriend has gone through similar things and he's doing family counseling for that reason. However, if you feel at ease with your life, that's what's important. I think it's up to your mom to try to make amends.
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